Forgiveness

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Paul Barker
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Forgiveness

Post by Paul Barker » Sat Mar 12, 2016 8:24 am

This follows I got a new job, so I put it here, but it is too important to get lost inside I got a new job.

It's not a religious thing, though for me it is. It's a human fact. Unforgiveness harms the one who doesn't forgive the most.

Long story short, I lost my career in nhs because a colleague lied about me. I was exonerated by two senior forensic psychiatrists. But the woman was not reprimanded, and remained my direct supervisor if I took up the option offered me to return to my same post. So a forensic expert determines she has lied, I am exonerated and nothing happens to change anything except I don't loose my job and career. Obviously I can't put myself back into danger. So I have only one direction to go, and that is out. The union and the personnel departments and the management all wanted me out. I am proved innocent but not wanted. I go see a private solicitor which I pay for, about "unfair dismissal". " you have a case but it is not worth fighting, we won't win, walk away and change your career!"

By now I am flat on my face on the floor, it was the final knock out blow, I give up the fight, loose my career and to get through the financial impact I sell a house I had developed. I paid £24k for an uninhabitable dump with no gas electricity water or drainage. Fully restore it and sell it after 2 years work for £73k. I had to use all that profit to survive.

So anyway would you find it hard to forgive that lady who did that to you? Would you feel bitter? Would you feel bitter about the union taking "their side" not yours? How would you feel about your colleagues who fold and give up before you do?sometimes easier to let one go and carry on as if nothing happened?

I picked up the pieces reskilled and now have all the skills I need to get back where I was in 2002 when I was a very good nurse.

But something was wrong. I couldn't get employed. I kept shifting and turning adaptIng to change but never saw the possibility of another job.

I always knew about the harm unforgiveness does to us. But the state of our deep heartfelt feelings in cases like this are even hidden from us at times. Letting go of the ill feeling and buttress is not a once and for all moment. It is tough to do and tough to complete.

But a week , no fortnight, before I got this job. My first proper job since that bomb exploded in my life. A man reminded me about the fact as many see that the victim of the unforgiving heart is the self. It hurts you the most. Somehow I had forgotten and I searched myself to see if there was still a problem with reference to this lady. Now I am not saying I want to meet her and b Besty mates, she is at best a psychopath and best avoided for the rest of my life. But I still can forgive her within my life, while keeping myself a safe distance from her for the rest of my life.

So I did this, in my heart, did my very best to complete the process of forgiveness. Made sure I was not harbouring any remaining embers of hatred towards her. We have no idea if we have achieved this. But what matters is we try. We only have are consciousness to work with, the harm is deeper than that, but when it surfaces we have to correct it. Don't let it take over our conscious life.

So, muddling alongside as normal, get a phone call from an agency I did much work for since those days. "A gas job (cards in, paye" has come up for someone living in Scarborough, and you are our best candidate, are you interested" "YES"

Go for interview offered job same day, start following Monday (two days now).

Ok so serendipity conclusion. I loose a good paye job over lies of a woman. I find it very very very hard to let go of the bitterness. But I do my best at the time. Each time. But to be honest I know in my heart I have failed.. I am reminded one day of the harm this bitterness does the host. I double check I am totally forgiving towards this person. Next week this job lands in my lap.
I can do it right or I can do it now, but I can't do it right now.

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Re: Forgiveness

Post by Cressy Snr » Sat Mar 12, 2016 9:24 am

I was as bitter as hell I'm afraid.
Counselling and everything else the mental health professions have thrown at me, all failed spectacularly to do anything about it. I just couldn't let go of it. Some days I was fine other days I looked at the mess the house was in and the rusting wreck of a car parked outside and wanted to kill.
This is unhealthy, because the person who, did this is living her life not even giving it a second thought whilst I, over the years, had eaten myself away into a scowling mass of hatred and anger.
I thought about the huge financial loss I suffered and the fact that my Teachers Pension is but a shadow of what it could have been and the fact the I have nothing saved, and literally wept, so much so that my wife made me call the Samaritans one Sunday in February 2013, when I had reached the end and was seriously thinking about ending it all. Words can't express how fantastic this wonderful organision is. They brought me back from the brink...literally.
Everybody suffers setbacks in their lives and we have to move on, but as you say Paul this type of thing is different. If we fuck up and we have no-one but ourselves to blame, it is easier to deal with and move on, but when we suffer gross injustice at the hands of someone with more power than us the bitterness and the realisation that we are utterly impotent in the face of it, can become all encompassng unless we make a conscious effort to resolve things in our minds.
I'm not a religious person, but I have often thought that things would have been far easier to deal with if I had been a good Christian. There's a lot to be said for Jesus' teaching about forgiveness, but one has to make a personal decision about stuff like religion.

Now I have gotten myself out of teaching, I do feel an inner peace. There's nothing wrong with teaching, but the things I associated with it, made it so that I couldn't continue any longer doing it.
I don't know why, but the world looks visually different, when I take the dog out for a walk.
Last edited by Cressy Snr on Sat Mar 12, 2016 11:37 am, edited 1 time in total.
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pre65
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Re: Forgiveness

Post by pre65 » Sat Mar 12, 2016 11:03 am

A heartfelt tale Paul (and Steve) but you are absolutely right about forgiveness.

I'd recommend to anyone to read this book, it did a lot to alter my thoughts about how we respond to the pressures of life. :)

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1296 ... _Your_Life
Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. John Lennon

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Nick
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Re: Forgiveness

Post by Nick » Sat Mar 12, 2016 11:32 am

Every decision we make every second of the day, is ours to make, we may not be able to control every aspect of our external life, but the choices we make are ours. To get tied up in blame and forgiveness, just gives us a reason to forget the choices are still ours. Making someone else our focus takes the spotlight away from ourself, but that makes us fall into the pattern of a victim, "look what THEY have done to ME". Thinking as a victim allows us to imagine what is happening today now is controlled by what THEY did THEN. But its not like that. The only way once the situation is changed that we can remain in the pattern of victim is by our own choice. The danger of forgiveness is it still gives power to the other, it may look as if its part of the recovery, but in fact its just keeping the history centre of our minds.

I am glad that book is of help to you Phil, but looking at the review, if it actually does suggest "For example, the probable cause of multiple sclerosis is "mental hardness, hard-heartedness, iron will, and inflexibility." The healing "thought pattern" would be: "By choosing loving, joyous thoughts, I created a loving joyous world. I am safe and free." then its (IMHO) dangerous insanity, akin to the "I wont get my child vaccinated because of science, because science is bad".
Resistance isn't futile it's V / I.

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Re: Forgiveness

Post by pre65 » Sat Mar 12, 2016 11:55 am

I see your point Nick. :)

BUT, in general, there is a LOT in that book to help one through the struggles of life. I just repeat, it helped me.

The mind can be very powerful, and no one should underestimate what could be achieved.

I would never advocate the avoidance of Doctors and drugs, but I've read many accounts (supposedly true :) ) on the positive results of the "placebo effect" on serious medical conditions and am convinced that it CAN have a very beneficial effect.
Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. John Lennon

G-Popz THE easy listening connoisseur. (Philip)

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Re: Forgiveness

Post by Cressy Snr » Sat Mar 12, 2016 12:07 pm

Trouble is Nick that the "victim" state of mind is an incredibly powerful force and what I have learned over the past six months of reading and a bit of private therapy is that to escape this state you need to take CONSCIOUS control of your brain and "unwire" long established pathways to disempowering thoughts.

For a brain that has been hardwired to negativity over the years, this is a difficult thing to achieve, but it IS possible as I am currently finding.
A major part of the therapy is that for anything to happen, the very first thing is that you absolutely MUST be able to accept reality for what it is, not what you wish it would be. Unless that happens, you are stalled before you start and any progress is next to impossible.
A major breakthrough for me is that I can talk about what a tottering time I had of it and not give it any emotional currency.
Believe me, that is MAJOR! :)

I have been helped to just live in the moment and not be "trapped in my head all the time" as the guy put it.

You're absolutely right about everything being a choice we ourselves make. To get to that realisation from a victim state and wrest back control of your own mind is a difficult but essential component of any recovery from mental illness.
The mere fact the we can talk openly about mental illness is a huge leap forward IMO.

Just one thing about drugs Phil.
I am absolutely convinced that were it not for the anti-depressants I was prescribed (managed properly by my GP) I would not be sitting here typing this. I would have been wearing a pine overcoat long ago. I'm not on them now; haven't been for 2 years, but they were a lifesaver.
Last edited by Cressy Snr on Sat Mar 12, 2016 12:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Paul Barker
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Re: Forgiveness

Post by Paul Barker » Sat Mar 12, 2016 12:14 pm

I know what you are saying Nick and you are right. This is in a sense what I have done. This lady is a person that would if she could take more power over me. So to not put my self in harms way is the right thing.

You are right that from the moment on you have let it go, once you realise this is needed. Your best result from it all comes from not living in the moment for the rest of your life.

That also means not telling others about it.

I only told the story because the solution arrived. And it was only after I changed.
I can do it right or I can do it now, but I can't do it right now.

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Re: Forgiveness

Post by jack » Fri Mar 18, 2016 6:21 pm

Serendipity indeed :)

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Re: Forgiveness

Post by StephGilbert » Wed Dec 07, 2016 12:03 pm

I think we should forgive all our enemies to feel free! http://bigpaperwriter.com/blog/forgiveness-essay has some statements on the question of forgiveness!

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Nick
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Re: Forgiveness

Post by Nick » Wed Dec 07, 2016 2:04 pm

Hidden in the last post is the hugely regressive concept of "enemy". I know I don't have any enemy's I doubt any of us do.
Resistance isn't futile it's V / I.

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Re: Forgiveness

Post by Greg » Wed Dec 07, 2016 7:34 pm

Nick wrote:Hidden in the last post is the hugely regressive concept of "enemy". I know I don't have any enemy's I doubt any of us do.
I agree. As far as I can tell, in this thread, only StephGilbert makes reference to enemies. Furthermore, there is no reference to them in the article he/she has linked to. Generally, a belief or perception one has enemies is a distortion caused by the existence of hurt followed by harboured resentment in a persons mind. (IMHO of course).

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Re: Forgiveness

Post by Irene Idler » Fri Dec 09, 2016 1:30 pm

I have a different take on this one. I think you can let go of a grudge without actually forgiving someone, and it all comes down to taking responsibility.

Here's a ridiculously simplistic example:

Jim-Bob thinks Leroy is looking at him funny, and as a result he punches Leroy in the nose.
Leroy says, "What the hell, man?"
Jim-Bob says, "You were lookin' at me funny."
Leroy says, "I had something in my eye."

Option 1:

Jim-Bob says, "Sorry, man, I thought you were winking at me. You know I'm a raging homophobe, but I'm tryin' to get better. I shouldn't have punched you."

Jim-Bob has taken responsibility and apologized. Leroy accepts the apology and offers Jim-Bob another Bud Lite as a gesture of forgiveness.

Option 2:
Jim-Bob says, "Whatever, dude, you just keep your eyes to your ownself. You know I ain't no homo."
Leroy recognizes that there's been a misunderstanding, but he knows Jim-Bob has a mind like concrete, all mixed up and permanently set. But Jim-Bob is his sister's baby daddy and he always pays his child support on time, so he shrugs, makes a polite excuse, and goes down to Mustang Alley, where he can get a decent beer from that cute bartender with the tight Wranglers and the porn 'stache.

Leroy has taken responsibility for ending the conflict; rather than getting madder than a gopher in a cactus patch, he's let go of his vexation and moved on. But he remembers that Jim-Bob is a homophobic jackass, and makes a note not to hang out at his place anymore, because Bud Lite is not worth putting up with that BS for.
"Hey, you know the rules, baby. If you wanna PLAY funky, you gotta SMELL funky." -- Mike Troutman

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Re: Forgiveness

Post by Lee S » Fri Dec 09, 2016 2:21 pm

WTF ?!?! :-?
©2018 Lee

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Re: Forgiveness

Post by pre65 » Fri Dec 09, 2016 2:32 pm

Lee S wrote:WTF ?!?! :-?
Chill out man. :)

It's good to see topics like this that relate to problems any of us could suffer from, and to hear how people can, or have got relief from them.
Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. John Lennon

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Re: Forgiveness

Post by Irene Idler » Fri Dec 09, 2016 2:55 pm

Lee S wrote:WTF ?!?! :-?
Sorry. I'm from the US. I should have translated. Assume the names are changed to "Dave" and "Keith," and that they're drinking lager.
"Hey, you know the rules, baby. If you wanna PLAY funky, you gotta SMELL funky." -- Mike Troutman

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