The why's and what's of life.

A place for the funny stuff
Post Reply
jfs
User
Posts: 13
Joined: Fri Jan 15, 2010 12:02 am

#1 The why's and what's of life.

Post by jfs »

A lot of unanswered questions in the world and I can't see myself being the only one who doesn't know the answers.

So here goes :-

Why does one eye always close when you pull a nasal hair ?.

and

What does an occasional table do the rest of the time ?.

and

Why do you dance when you hit your thumb with a hammer ?.

and

What does she really mean when she says " oh, don't spend a lot on my birthday present " ?. or "surprise me".
chris661
Shed dweller
Posts: 2556
Joined: Mon Feb 22, 2010 7:29 am
Location: Sheffield

#2

Post by chris661 »

To answer the last one:

When they say something like that, they will always expect something very small, very shiny, and very expensive, but with little use.

I also know the answer to the question: "why are we here?" -- We're here to ask why we're here, so, by asking the question, we're doing a good job with our existence.
User avatar
floppybootstomp
Old Hand
Posts: 1255
Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2009 10:37 pm
Location: Greenwich

#3 Re: The why's and what's of life.

Post by floppybootstomp »

jfs wrote:A lot of unanswered questions in the world and I can't see myself being the only one who doesn't know the answers.

So here goes :-

Why does one eye always close when you pull a nasal hair ?.
It's a little know fact that nasal hairs are in fact attached to the rear of the retina.
jfs wrote:
and

What does an occasional table do the rest of the time ?.
Most play poker, drink Guinness and fart but a few have been known to march large armies into Poland.

jfs wrote:and

Why do you dance when you hit your thumb with a hammer ?.
Because it's a more desirable option than smacking the nearest person in the mouth.
jfs wrote:and

What does she really mean when she says " oh, don't spend a lot on my birthday present " ?. or "surprise me".
a) Open an account at Fortnum & Mason with a large retainer.

b) Go out with your mates for a drink on her birthday, that'll surprise her.
Relevant boxes ticked - certified loony
User avatar
pre65
Amstrad Tower of Power
Posts: 21373
Joined: Wed Aug 22, 2007 11:13 pm
Location: North Essex/Suffolk border.

#4 Letter to the Minister.

Post by pre65 »

This was actually taken from a UK passport application and a member of staff copied it, as it made her laugh all day.


Dear Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?



How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.

Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.



Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was ********, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!



I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake!

I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find someone to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture

- you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!

Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN.


Yours sincerely,



An Irate British Citizen.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Edmund Burke

G-Popz THE easy listening connoisseur. (Philip)
User avatar
Nick
Site Admin
Posts: 15706
Joined: Sun May 06, 2007 10:20 am
Location: West Yorkshire

#5

Post by Nick »

This was actually taken from a UK passport application and a member of staff copied it, as it made her laugh all day.
Hopefully that's not true, as it would (rightly) be a sacking offense.
Whenever an honest man discovers that he's mistaken, he will either cease to be mistaken or he will cease to be honest.
User avatar
pre65
Amstrad Tower of Power
Posts: 21373
Joined: Wed Aug 22, 2007 11:13 pm
Location: North Essex/Suffolk border.

#6

Post by pre65 »

Nick wrote:
This was actually taken from a UK passport application and a member of staff copied it, as it made her laugh all day.
Hopefully that's not true, as it would (rightly) be a sacking offense.
No idea, it was "lifted" from another forum.

It's probably as "true" as most comedians "true" stories. :)
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Edmund Burke

G-Popz THE easy listening connoisseur. (Philip)
chris661
Shed dweller
Posts: 2556
Joined: Mon Feb 22, 2010 7:29 am
Location: Sheffield

#7

Post by chris661 »

Whether it was real or not, it made great reading.
User avatar
shane
Social outcast
Posts: 3403
Joined: Sun Sep 16, 2007 12:09 pm
Location: Kept in a cool dry place.

#8 Re: The why's and what's of life.

Post by shane »

floppybootstomp wrote:
It's a little know fact that nasal hairs are in fact attached to the rear of the retina.
I also discovered after a minor surgical procedure that ones testicles are attached to ones armpits by string.

That's what it felt like, anyway...
The world looks so different after learning science. For example, trees are made of air, primarily. When they are burned, they go back to air, and in their flaming heat is released the flaming heat of the Sun which was bound in to convert air into tree.
User avatar
shane
Social outcast
Posts: 3403
Joined: Sun Sep 16, 2007 12:09 pm
Location: Kept in a cool dry place.

#9 Re: The why's and what's of life.

Post by shane »

floppybootstomp wrote:
It's a little know fact that nasal hairs are in fact attached to the rear of the retina.
I also discovered after a minor surgical procedure that ones testicles are attached to ones armpits by string.

That's what it felt like, anyway...
The world looks so different after learning science. For example, trees are made of air, primarily. When they are burned, they go back to air, and in their flaming heat is released the flaming heat of the Sun which was bound in to convert air into tree.
User avatar
al newall
Needs to get out more
Posts: 1737
Joined: Mon Aug 06, 2007 7:55 pm
Location: Chester

#10

Post by al newall »

I also discovered after a minor surgical procedure that ones testicles are attached to ones armpits by string.
If that's the case.
It must be far more socially acceptable, and equally satisfying to scratch ones armpits, rather than scratch ones.... :)
Much to learn there is.
User avatar
Greg
Social outcast
Posts: 3198
Joined: Wed May 23, 2007 11:14 am
Location: Bristol, UK

#11

Post by Greg »

......yes, and by posting twice, you've covered all your options :wink:
User avatar
shane
Social outcast
Posts: 3403
Joined: Sun Sep 16, 2007 12:09 pm
Location: Kept in a cool dry place.

#12

Post by shane »

Ooops
The world looks so different after learning science. For example, trees are made of air, primarily. When they are burned, they go back to air, and in their flaming heat is released the flaming heat of the Sun which was bound in to convert air into tree.
rainy22
New User
Posts: 2
Joined: Wed Jun 15, 2011 12:11 pm

#13 www.saveintrade.com top quality headphones headset

Post by rainy22 »

it is funny ,i like it
User avatar
shane
Social outcast
Posts: 3403
Joined: Sun Sep 16, 2007 12:09 pm
Location: Kept in a cool dry place.

#14

Post by shane »

It wasn't at the time!
The world looks so different after learning science. For example, trees are made of air, primarily. When they are burned, they go back to air, and in their flaming heat is released the flaming heat of the Sun which was bound in to convert air into tree.
Post Reply