The why's and what's of life.

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jfs
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The why's and what's of life.

Post by jfs » Wed Apr 14, 2010 12:41 am

A lot of unanswered questions in the world and I can't see myself being the only one who doesn't know the answers.

So here goes :-

Why does one eye always close when you pull a nasal hair ?.

and

What does an occasional table do the rest of the time ?.

and

Why do you dance when you hit your thumb with a hammer ?.

and

What does she really mean when she says " oh, don't spend a lot on my birthday present " ?. or "surprise me".

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Post by chris661 » Wed Apr 14, 2010 8:41 am

To answer the last one:

When they say something like that, they will always expect something very small, very shiny, and very expensive, but with little use.

I also know the answer to the question: "why are we here?" -- We're here to ask why we're here, so, by asking the question, we're doing a good job with our existence.

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floppybootstomp
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Re: The why's and what's of life.

Post by floppybootstomp » Wed Apr 14, 2010 7:26 pm

jfs wrote:A lot of unanswered questions in the world and I can't see myself being the only one who doesn't know the answers.

So here goes :-

Why does one eye always close when you pull a nasal hair ?.
It's a little know fact that nasal hairs are in fact attached to the rear of the retina.
jfs wrote:
and

What does an occasional table do the rest of the time ?.
Most play poker, drink Guinness and fart but a few have been known to march large armies into Poland.

jfs wrote:and

Why do you dance when you hit your thumb with a hammer ?.
Because it's a more desirable option than smacking the nearest person in the mouth.
jfs wrote:and

What does she really mean when she says " oh, don't spend a lot on my birthday present " ?. or "surprise me".
a) Open an account at Fortnum & Mason with a large retainer.

b) Go out with your mates for a drink on her birthday, that'll surprise her.
Relevant boxes ticked - certified loony

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pre65
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Letter to the Minister.

Post by pre65 » Sun Aug 22, 2010 12:51 pm

This was actually taken from a UK passport application and a member of staff copied it, as it made her laugh all day.


Dear Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?



How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.

Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.



Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was ********, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!



I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake!

I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find someone to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture

- you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!

Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN.


Yours sincerely,



An Irate British Citizen.
Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. John Lennon

G-Popz THE easy listening connoisseur. (Philip)

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Nick
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Post by Nick » Sun Aug 22, 2010 12:56 pm

This was actually taken from a UK passport application and a member of staff copied it, as it made her laugh all day.
Hopefully that's not true, as it would (rightly) be a sacking offense.
Resistance isn't futile it's V / I.

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pre65
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Post by pre65 » Sun Aug 22, 2010 12:59 pm

Nick wrote:
This was actually taken from a UK passport application and a member of staff copied it, as it made her laugh all day.
Hopefully that's not true, as it would (rightly) be a sacking offense.
No idea, it was "lifted" from another forum.

It's probably as "true" as most comedians "true" stories. :)
Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. John Lennon

G-Popz THE easy listening connoisseur. (Philip)

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Post by chris661 » Mon Oct 25, 2010 6:19 pm

Whether it was real or not, it made great reading.

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shane
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Re: The why's and what's of life.

Post by shane » Mon Oct 25, 2010 6:56 pm

floppybootstomp wrote:
It's a little know fact that nasal hairs are in fact attached to the rear of the retina.
I also discovered after a minor surgical procedure that ones testicles are attached to ones armpits by string.

That's what it felt like, anyway...

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shane
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Re: The why's and what's of life.

Post by shane » Mon Oct 25, 2010 7:05 pm

floppybootstomp wrote:
It's a little know fact that nasal hairs are in fact attached to the rear of the retina.
I also discovered after a minor surgical procedure that ones testicles are attached to ones armpits by string.

That's what it felt like, anyway...

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al newall
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Post by al newall » Mon Oct 25, 2010 8:16 pm

I also discovered after a minor surgical procedure that ones testicles are attached to ones armpits by string.
If that's the case.
It must be far more socially acceptable, and equally satisfying to scratch ones armpits, rather than scratch ones.... :)
Much to learn there is.

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Greg
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Post by Greg » Mon Oct 25, 2010 9:35 pm

......yes, and by posting twice, you've covered all your options :wink:

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shane
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Post by shane » Tue Oct 26, 2010 12:14 pm

Ooops

rainy22
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www.saveintrade.com top quality headphones headset

Post by rainy22 » Wed Jun 15, 2011 12:22 pm

it is funny ,i like it

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shane
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Post by shane » Wed Jun 15, 2011 12:55 pm

It wasn't at the time!

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