A little light humour

A place for the funny stuff
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Paul Barker
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#61

Post by Paul Barker »

If he was a doctor he'd be about to perform a t.u.b.e. (totally unnecessary breast examination)

You used to see it and other derogatory things like n.f.s. (normal for Scarborough) written in medical notes, but someone blew the whistle and they stopped doing it on the whole.

I was once asked to interpret some notes for the Police investigating a death, they were not impressed by the amount of tom foolery involved in what after all is a legal document.
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Paul Barker
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#62

Post by Paul Barker »

Man comes down stairs after a particularly heavy night out to find his wife cooking at the stove. He walks over to take a look thinking breakfast will be served soon, only to sees his socks being boiled in an old pot.



thinks whats all that about.






After a few minutes he asks his dearest whats going on.






Very abruptly she replies it's what ye asked for last night.





He thinks I am sure I never asked her to cook my socks??
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Paul Barker
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#63

Post by Paul Barker »

Honest Mortician:

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.

He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is
already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check "There's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "It cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.

So I just switched the heads."
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Paul Barker
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#64

Post by Paul Barker »

One night, after the couple had retired for the night,
the woman became aware that her husband
was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and
the small of her back. He ran his hand over her
breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side,
sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the
other side to a point below her waist. He continued
on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then
the other. His hand ran further down the outside of
her thighs.

His gentle probing then started up the inside
of her left thigh, stopped and the returned
to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time, the woman was becoming aroused
and she squirmed a little to better position
herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to
his side of the bed.
"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.
He whispered back " I found the remote".
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Paul Barker
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#65

Post by Paul Barker »

I was working in Amotherby today. My Aprentice says that there is a lad at his training organisation from Amotherby, who says that Amotherby has 12 bakeries. Everyone is in t' bread.
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Paul Barker
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#66

Post by Paul Barker »

Blind bloke walks into a bar, he doesnt know its a woman only bar, gets his drink and sits down with his dog.
Twas a bit quite, so after a while sensing a presence next to him, he says "do you want to hear a blond woman joke" The dusky voice next to him says, before you start telling blond woman jokes there 5 things that I would like to point out.
When you came into the bar, the young lady that served you your beer is blond.
The bouncer that let you in is 15 stone, built like an east german sprinter and is also blond,
I'm 6feet 2 inches tall and happen to be a black belt in judo, and I'm blond
The 2 ladies sitting opposite you, one is a professional wrestler and the other is ladies middleweight boxing champion of GB and both of them are blond
Now considering what I have told you do you still want to tell a blond woman joke.
The blind guy took a supp of his beer and said, "naw, not if Ive got to explain it 5 times".
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Paul Barker
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#67

Post by Paul Barker »

A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential.
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential
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Paul Barker
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#68

Post by Paul Barker »

There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.

They are as follows:

11. "What the F*** do you mean, we are sinking?"

-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912



10. "What the F*** was that?"

-- Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945



9. "Where did all those F***ing Indians come from?"

-- Custer, 1877




8. "Any F***ing idiot could understand that."

-- Einstein, 1938



7. "It does soooooooo F***ing look like her!"

-- Picasso, 1926




6. "How the F*** did you work that out?"

-- Pythagoras, 126 BC



5. "You want WHAT on the F***ing ceiling?"

-- Michelangelo, 1566




4. "Where the F*** are we?"

-- Amelia Earhart, 1937



3. "Scattered F***ing showers, my ass!"

-- Noah, 4314 BC




2. "Aw c'mon. Who the F*** is going to find out?"

-- Bill Clinton, 1998




and a drum roll please............!



1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this F***ing mad."

-- Saddam Hussein, 2003
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Paul Barker
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#69

Post by Paul Barker »

Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.
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Toppsy
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#70

Post by Toppsy »

Little boy to Mother: mummy, mummy can I lick the bowl out?


Mother to son: No son, flush it like normal children!
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Paul Barker
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#71

Post by Paul Barker »

The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.
Night falls.

First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.

"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.

Next up - the Para 's. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the
trainer.

Lastly, in go the Coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.

"Are you taking the p*ss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.

The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:

"Alright, alright, I'm a f*ckin' rabbit!"
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ed
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#72

Post by ed »

hey pb are you sure that's pc?
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Paul Barker
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#73

Post by Paul Barker »

It is if this is.

Image

And your phone number, madam?
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Paul Barker
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#74

Post by Paul Barker »

The Italian man said, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I
rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and
she screamed for five full minutes at the end."
The Frenchman boasted, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed
her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she
screamed for fifteen minutes."
The Jewish man said, "Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I
rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat). We made love,
and she screamed for over six hours."
The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked, "What could
you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?"
The Jewish man said, "I wiped my hands on the bedspread."
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Paul Barker
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#75

Post by Paul Barker »

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* Contents may have settled during transportation. Actual size may vary.
Older models

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Initial use

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Ongoing use

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Maintenance

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Tougher stains, especially those consequent to his employment in the workforce, may be rubbed away using a solution of alcohol, applied nightly, usually just after 6 o'clock.

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Waivers and exclusions·

*Your Plumber is not a reliable source of fashion advice. Plumbers Incorporated, its agents or representatives are not responsible for any losses or humiliations consequent to your reliance on fashion advice given by your Plumber. WARNING: Your Plumber cannot spot any difference whatsoever between the first dress you tried on and the fourth one, despite the way he enthusiastically backs up your view that "the fourth one is by far the best".
·
* Your Plumber cannot be expected to stop and ask for directions when driving. Customers should remember that the Earth is round, so you will arrive at your destination eventually. HE DOES NOT NEED YOUR ADVICE ON HIS DRIVING METHODS. Your Plumber comes with perfect eyesight but may find it difficult to locate small items around the house, such as his wallet and keys. This is not considered a fault under your warranty. According to information supplied by your Plumber, he suspects that you are deliberating hiding his stuff every morning.

A final word

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