A little light humour

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Ali Tait
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Re: A little light humour

Post by Ali Tait » Fri Jul 14, 2017 9:38 am

Read this on faceache :D -

Back when I was hosting at a restaurant with a very popular patio, I had a guest who didn't know how the earth worked. I'll call her Galileo.

Galileo: Excuse me, but I think you need to fix this umbrella.
Me: Okay, what's the problem? Is it coming out of the base?
Galileo: No, well, when we sat down the table was shady, and it's not shady anymore. Something's wrong with the umbrella.
Me: Oh, maybe... maybe we can move you to this table over here, since it's much shadier.
Galileo: No thanks, we like this table. I just need you to fix the umbrella.

At this point, I'm probably visibly perplexed.

Me: I don't think the problem is with the umbrella, ma'am. The sun has moved since you sat down about an hour ago, and the only way to catch the shade now would be to move.
Galileo: I don't think you understand! The sun is fine. It's the umbrella. Shade always comes straight down from an umbrella. This one's broken. The shade is coming down at an angle.

She's gesturing wildly at this point.

Me (trying not to be offensive): The sun... makes shadows, and the shadows are... at an angle right now because... the sun is moving in the sky... and... the only way I can think of to give you shade is to move you to another table.
Galileo: The sun doesn't move.
Me: Let me get my manager for you.

Then I hid behind the wait station and watched my manager and this woman who has never taken a basic science class in her life arguing for a decent amount of time. He came back over with the most dejected look I've ever seen on a grown man. "She... doesn't seem to understand what the sun is?"

And nobody learned anything that day.
Image[/img]

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Mike H
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Re: A little light humour

Post by Mike H » Fri Jul 14, 2017 2:21 pm

Absolute hoot, excellent! :lol:
 
"The beer was so flat it could have been served in an envelope...."

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Re: A little light humour

Post by Mike H » Sun Jul 16, 2017 10:59 pm

READ BEFORE UNPACKING

I once unpacked a SCSI drive shipped from Bubba’s in Louisiana, and it arrived with this article in the packaging. No kidding! Could this be true? I find it hard to believe a company would have this much of a sense of humor to include this. Then again, it is Louisiana...

IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE

Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to:

PLEASE FOR GOD’S SAKE READ THIS OWNER’S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.

YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN’T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!?

We’re sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we’re always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days. So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK?

Now let’s talk about:

1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE

The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People, who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes.

PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER’S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES.

Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is her only proof of engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously considering backing out on the whole thing in as much as he had consumed most of a bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he decided to pop the question. It is not without irony that Ida Mae’s last name is "Barker", if you get our drift.

WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS.

If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern Europe.

Besides the device, the box should contain:

• Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"

• A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.

YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.

IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can’t make a car that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that’s why."

WARNING: This is assuming your spouse’s name is Margaret. And not Pete.

. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE

The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the electrical industry’s Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical current to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug, then the Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other. Your device is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate.

DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN!

Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight, and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.

WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.

3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE

WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF "SHOGUN" ON TAPE. INSTRUCTIONS:

For results that can be the finest, it is our advising that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!!

Except the battery. Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a large occurrence! However. If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintainance action, as a kindly (something) viewpoint from Drawing B.

4. WARRANTY

Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied against all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our Service People, who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil spirits. This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case.

WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
 
"The beer was so flat it could have been served in an envelope...."

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Re: A little light humour

Post by IslandPink » Fri Jul 21, 2017 1:50 pm

Image.jpg
White flags of winter chimneys waving truce against the moon ( Mitchell )

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Mike H
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Re: A little light humour

Post by Mike H » Fri Jul 21, 2017 3:17 pm

:D


The-class-was-completely.jpg

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"The beer was so flat it could have been served in an envelope...."

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Dave the bass
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Re: A little light humour

Post by Dave the bass » Fri Jul 28, 2017 10:50 am

Image
"'Occasionally phenomenal'"

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Mike H
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Re: A little light humour

Post by Mike H » Sun Aug 06, 2017 7:46 pm

I'm in Image hysterics - from Soviet Steeds forum:
I just installed a C5 and my 650 runs like a raped ape.
Image Image Image
 
"The beer was so flat it could have been served in an envelope...."

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Re: A little light humour

Post by jack » Sat Aug 19, 2017 4:42 pm

Istanbul, near the spice market. #2 son in foreground running away as he didn't want to be in the shot. Wonder why?

Don't these people think at all before naming their shop in (sort of) English :shock:

DSC02531a.jpg

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Ali Tait
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Re: A little light humour

Post by Ali Tait » Sat Aug 19, 2017 5:09 pm

Image
Image[/img]

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Mike H
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Re: A little light humour

Post by Mike H » Sat Aug 19, 2017 9:40 pm

Image Image Image


.
 
"The beer was so flat it could have been served in an envelope...."

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Dave the bass
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Re: A little light humour

Post by Dave the bass » Sat Aug 19, 2017 9:44 pm

Over-rulled!

Image
"'Occasionally phenomenal'"

Ant
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Re: A little light humour

Post by Ant » Sat Aug 19, 2017 9:48 pm

read all about it, DTB hits ten thousand posts! discount now available in store!

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Mike H
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Re: A little light humour

Post by Mike H » Sat Aug 19, 2017 9:58 pm

That is mega cool.
 
"The beer was so flat it could have been served in an envelope...."

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Mike H
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Re: A little light humour

Post by Mike H » Thu Sep 21, 2017 2:49 pm

Learn-Polish.jpg

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"The beer was so flat it could have been served in an envelope...."

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Re: A little light humour

Post by IslandPink » Thu Sep 21, 2017 2:55 pm

Nice !
Reminds me of some excellent sports commentating, late 70's , regarding that day's Milk Race stage :
" well, the name on everyone lips this evening is Zbigniew Szczepkowski"
White flags of winter chimneys waving truce against the moon ( Mitchell )

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